Still afraid to show myself

Apparently so... thought I had it beat. But I was just listening to the introductory disc in my new "Integral Life Practice Kit", the volume was up and the narrator was speaking about Spirit, and I became very uncomfortable with the idea of my flatmate in the kitchen on the other side of my door hearing this audio about Spirit coming from my room.

After facing another question, I am relieved to see that at other times, no, I'm not just "pretending not to hide" when I make those efforts to show myself; I'm actually, in reality, showing and sharing myself. That puts this in perspective; the sheer reflexive force of my emotional reaction shocked me. I immediately hit "pause" on the audio so I could lower the volume, and practically curled up into a ball sitting on my stool here, bent over and tucked my shoulders forward as I quieted down the "weird" talk of God and spirit.

Weirdness is near the heart of it. Don't want others to think I'm too weird, so I hide myself - because of course, I am very weird. How long has it been like this? I don't even know. I do remember being about 13-14 years old and deciding that I wanted to be cool - I knew I wasn't, and it looked like the solution to all my problems. Well, this presented another problem. Not becoming "cool"; I'd decided on that path, and did pretty well with that over the years. More immediately pressing though, was that cool people had opinions, beliefs, personalities. I was surprised to find when I looked closely, that it was a rare opinion I espoused that actually came from me. I caught myself in contradictions and confusion in my awkward conversations, because I didn't know, let alone really believe, what I was saying. So, first task in becoming cool was to get some opinions, and all the other trappings of identity (a "cool" identity, anyhow). More big awakenings were to come over the years, as I grew into dimensions far beyond my aspirations to become a cool kid.

But I had difficult times even before those angst-filled teenage years. Knowing myself as a pariah, an outcast, being incredibly socially naive; seeing huge rifts in my parent's relationship. Of note would be around the age of 11, when I decided that I could no longer count on my mother for emotional support, as she was in dire need of some herself. I also realized (or decided) that I had no friends at school, just my two best on my rural street. At the same time on a couple of occasions, experiencing terrible shame in circumstances having to do with my mother - one, being taunted mercilessly at school and defending her to tears, and two, having a necklace torn off while roughhousing, a necklace she gave me that I considered precious and invaluable - gold with two birthstone pendants. Lost in the dirt, and an incredible tantrum on my part that got me kicked off and banned from a neighbor's property. That one was probably in my 10th year, actually.

If I had to peg a year, it would be my 11th year, grade six, when I turtled. Withdrew into my shell, never to be the same again. With a lot of work sticking my neck out to come back into group relationship and social awareness. And self-awareness, of course.

And to wrap this long post up, returning to where I started, isn't it lovely that I've discovered a shadow aspect, a trigger, a place I get stopped - I've turned over a rock and shone the light into the darkness.

After that flowery prose, to sum it up: I've become present to another piece of my unconsciousness.